Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.