Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Everyone’s family
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.