@HonestToddler

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

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@JensenClan88

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

@jaxwax04

[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:

M: will you please just take medicine??

H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??

M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!

@bvb1123

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

@ThisOneSayz

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

@MaybePileJokes

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

@DothTheDoth

All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.

@g0_f1sh

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

@Quartzjixler

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.