I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:
M: will you please just take medicine??
H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??
M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I bet the guy who invented cursive writing was drunk.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.