Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.