So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
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It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me, in DM rooms…
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
incredible
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.