Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
You Might Also Like
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
PARKOUR
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Unexpected Judgment
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit