Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
You Might Also Like
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
bias laundering edition
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
It’s on my to-do list.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.