Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
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My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Its true…
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.