Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

Others: I run so I can eat pizza

Me: I just…eat pizza

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.