Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.