Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my kids invented a drink.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*