Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
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Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
When I face a minor setback
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.