Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
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5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Happy Halloween 🎃
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft