@AngryRaccoon2

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

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@CantWaitToNap

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

@juliussharpe

I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn’t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.

@a_bi_gal

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

@jellybnbonanza

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

@KeetPotato

cop: “can you point at which zebra it was”
zebra: “ha good luck we all look the same”
me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] “that one”

@Playing_Dad

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

@mean_crow

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

@rockymomax

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

@lloydrang

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.