Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

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Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.


I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn’t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.


9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months


When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.


cop: “can you point at which zebra it was”
zebra: “ha good luck we all look the same”
me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] “that one”


Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.


hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-


[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs


There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.