Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
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When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
God, I love Scotland
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin