Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
zone out
hand it over!
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection