Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
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“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I fixed it. For me
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.