Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.