Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
You Might Also Like
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.