Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”