Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

Happy Taco Tuesday

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos