Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
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God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Breaking news:
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”