Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
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Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.