Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses