Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

For the ones in the back.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”