Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.