Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

This was the best day of my life

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

💀🤣

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.