Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers