Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”