Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
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My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.