Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
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I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
That eye roll….
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.