Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
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Bloody internet 😳
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings