Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.