Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
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they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
With this onion ring, I thee fed
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry