Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious