Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

😂

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

ㅤ

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

im gay on my mothers side

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no