Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.