Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1631183896141529088/pu/vid/640x800/D-ZGASDtHlIItrRV.mp4?tag=12

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Note to self: always read the final line

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.