Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
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The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Mad Max Arctic Road
