Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Morning my dudes.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*