Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”