Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

It do be feeling this way.

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.