Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
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Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…