Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
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They’re called werewolves.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
WWE is French for “yes”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
thank god
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!