Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
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[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
No chill.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
happy friday
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!