Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
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there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
What
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Got a light
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Flock of bats
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…