Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
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You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist