Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
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There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack