told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
You Might Also Like
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”