Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
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Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
what the hell girl, sure
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
*limbos away from your hug*
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it