Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

They’re really bad with fonts.

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker