Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
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The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
ME: k see u tonight
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Every grocery store has free samples if you’re quick enough
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that’s only after I’ve eaten Mexican food.