@carlyken

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

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@envydatropic

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

@philyuck

The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

@amydillon

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

@aotakeo

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

@LimeyTheGreat

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

@aaronneedshelp

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

@just1fool

Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that’s only after I’ve eaten Mexican food.