Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
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The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.