Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

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My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*



[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”


Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller


I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.


Calling it Quarantine:
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck


My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”


[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]


Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”


If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.


Retweet if you are using Snapchat’s new Snap Map location feature to hunt down straight men and turn them gay.