Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
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Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
181.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
