Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. đ
You Might Also Like
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* donât rush me
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Opening emails from the school.
âI know weâve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus bloodâ.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when sheâs gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to ârideâ a âgiant wormâ
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*mob meeting*
ayo new guyâwho’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
âGreat minds think alikeâ
So do stupid minds
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think âughâ. Not because Iâm disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Thursday Thought.
my fav colour is also hitler
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Just heard a coworker say âyeah theyâre trying to live bicuriously through their childrenâ
(strolls into menâs warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here