Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
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Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.