Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

The Punning Dead.

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

Do one person every day that scares you.

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

Hmmmmm

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.