told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
