Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
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Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
what’s the point then??
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.