Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
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“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
The USS B port
