Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive