Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Leaving the Barbers like
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!