Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
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Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”