Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
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In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
😂🍻
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since