Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
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“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Imma just leave this here…………
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Me checking my bank balance online.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”