Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
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If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?