Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

me: can I wish for infinite wishes?

genie: no, you only get 3

me: I wish 3 meant infinite

genie:

me:

genie: *sigh* alright what else?

me: telephones but for dogs.

My work here is done

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands