Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

Am getting real tired of your crap…

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

This is Sparta

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!