Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back