Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon