Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
If only.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
How I like cutting carbs
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.