Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
