Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast