Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

@funTweeters I am at your service….

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder