Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey I made you some hotdog water

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

Super Hand Dog Face

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

A short story about romance.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)